Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The most open I have ever been on this blog.

I have been really moody lately. This is not typical for me. Usually I am a pretty happy, "go with the flow" kind of person. I have been bitter for a while about certain events that have happened and I have been holding grudges. Stupid grudges. I am really feeling the effects of keeping these nasty feelings with me. I need to let them go. Poor Steven has been suffering the wrath of Emily almost nightly and I can't believe that he still decides to sleep in the same bed as me.
I would like to blame  my moodiness on my lack of sleep, not getting out of the house, and of course, the IUD that is in my body (that supposedly might give some women mood swings). Although some of those excuses (excluding the IUD. I just said that one to look like I had more excuses...) might contribute, they are not the reason for my extra moodiness.
I am really working on letting these grudges go. They are effecting not only me but Steven too.
Honestly, I daily deal with feeling inadequate as a mother and a wife. It's bad.
Millions of mothers are able to wake up early every morning to make their families breakfast, have dinner waiting on the table when everyone gets home, do all the laundry, and keep a clean house everyday. Why is it that I have a hard time doing any of these tasks every single day and I only have one child? I don't know how I am going to have more children... I can't imagine having a more neglected home.
We just got the Ensign two days ago and of course the first talk I read was Elder Scott's talk on Eternal marriage. The way that he speaks about his sweet wife brings tears to my eyes. If Steven could someday speak about me the way that Elder Scott does about his wife, I will know that have become the woman that he deserves. She sounds like she was an amazing woman. I want to be like her.
I am going to be better. I hate fighting with anyone but especially with Steven. I feel like a jerk every time I do.

Well, there's some honesty for you. I am going to go on a walk now with my little man love. Fresh air and sunshine always make me happy.

P.S. I am also working on not complaining or putting myself down... Starting now.


  1. Emily! I don't know you in person but I think you are so great! If you have a goal I know you will accomplish it. We all have days in which we feel the worse people ever but people who are bad don't even recognize that they are doing something wrong and look at you! All you want right now is to be better because you love your family! I admire you! God bless you!

  2. Emily, I appreciate your honesty! If you need anyone to talk to, Im here for ya! You can text me always:) and dont forget that you are an amazing woman and the perfect mother to Winston!!! Dont be hard on yourself, you have only been a mama for a few months- you're still learning! And from the smiles on that baby boys face it looks like you are doing great to me.

  3. From one new mom to another, I know how you feel! The biggest thing is, don't compare yourself to anyone else. You will be a great mom, however you pull it off. Even if that means not having dinner made and ready on the table every night. Also, the best advice I've been given is that as long as you read your scriptures, say your prayers, and love your little boy, you've had a successful day!

  4. Hey, you're probably doing a lot better than me with no children! I have a real hard time getting up in the morning, so no breakfast made by me, no lunch made by me... My clothes tend to be everywhere, and piles of mail and things on the tables, I don't even make dinner half the time... One of the hardest things in life I think is having confidence and not being so hard on ourselves. I look up to you Emily and I think you're great! :)

  5. OMG, I just posted a huge comment, and then realized that my son was signed in, so I signed him out and lost the whole comment. My heck. Okay, all I was saying was that you sound like you might have a touch of the baby blues. I know that some women experience postpardem as crying and sadness, but others (like me) experience it as anger. My doctor told me that, if I was feeling this way for more than a couple of weeks, that I needed help. I'm on medicine now and I finally feel like myself. It was like I was watching myself be a beast, and going, "What is wrong with me??" Anyways. I'm not saying you need medication. I'm just saying that it has helped me soooo much.